How To Cuddle Your Lady Right, by Smoove A

You are probably aware that Smoove A* is an authority on crustaceous love. Some have gone so far as to describe Smoove A as the authority on all multi-legged ladies. I am an amphipod (Gammara pulex), a microscopic crustacean that inhabits lakes and streams, and I cannot confirm or deny this report, I can only say that Smoove A has left more than one lady with her swimming legs all shaky and a brood pouch filled with eggs.

Damn.

Smoove A is not one of those spawn-and-go aquatic invertebrates getting gametes every which way. Oh, no, I will carry around a lady until she molts and is ready to get down all day long. Cause the crustacean ladies, they are not ready for freakstasy until they drop their shell. Some might call this “precopulatory mate guarding.” I call it love.

Now some amphipod guys, who are not a master of love like Smoove, will say that precopulatory mate guarding is not required. That carrying a lady around until she is ready to molt is a waste of time and energy. That all guarding may be fine and good for an amphipod gentlemen who wants to commit to only one lady, but is not correct for a true lover such as Smoove. Would it not be better to get down with ALL the amphipod ladies, instead of waiting for just one to get ready?

Also, they will say, all this snuggling sometimes leads to the ladies getting eaten. Smoove cannot deny this, though I would never break your heart and your shell like that, ladies.

But Smoove is a master of guarding the ladies before getting down, and is please to see that his skills are confirmed by science. Smoove is a master of the science of love, and he is not afraid to say that her intermoult duration is reduced. Yes, the longer an amphipod lady is guarded, the less time she needs to get ready to molt & mate the next time.

Smoove has guarded his ladies to unforeseen heights of evolutionary fitness. Damn.

You might ask, “Smoove A. How can this be? How can a lady want to be held for days, even weeks, until she molts and makes sweet love to you? Though your gnathopods are strong and each of your segments polished to a high shine, surely it cannot benefit the lady to be carried about?”

Oh, but it does, my friend. It does. The ladies carried about for a great period of time by Smoove A not only have brood pouches equally filled with eggs, but are ready to do it all again even sooner, therefore producing more eggs, therefore increasing their evolutionary fitness.

And those ladies who are not guarded? Smoove cannot be responsible for ladies who are not properly held. Smoove regrets to say that these unfortunate ladies do not mate as many times, therefore decreasing both their evolutionary fitness and their satisfaction. All Smoove can say is “Ladies, I got what you need – cuddling of maximum duration.”

Damn.

*This post was inspired by the Onion’s Smoove B. While Smoove B does appreciate a fine crustacean, he is not actually an amphipod.

Smoove A endorses this luscious video taken by Susannah of Wanderin Weeta. I too am patient and persistent.

Galipaud, M., Dechaume-Moncharmont, F., Oughadou, A., & Bollache, L. (2010). Does foreplay matter? Gammarus pulex females may benefit from long-lasting precopulatory mate guarding Biology Letters DOI: 10.1098/rsbl.2010.0924