Open Letter to My Bros at British Petroleum

Dear British Petroleum,

WTF I hear you wanna be called Beyond Petroleum, now? Do you think you’re some kind of rap star or something?? Haha! Whatevs, let’s just go by our ole grade school nickname for you, BP.

I know its been a while since I last wrote. It’s not like I was neglecting you or anythang… but you know how it is bro, stuff comes up and we was all like into some other things here and there. But I’ve been keeping track of you, ya know, on Facebook, Twitter, blogs and the news… Its cool, I know you’ve been busy too. Happens.

Anyways, just wanted to congratulate you on getting the government to let you hang a new deep water oil rig out in the Gulf of Mex. Must feel good to put the past behind you and move on. Man do we know all about that!! amirite or amirite bro?? So many crazy nights back in the day LOLOLOL! Glad its all behind us now.

I mean, only like 11 people died. Big deal, right? I mean more people have died from BP executives DUI’ing it up after a weekend of binge drinking their government subsidized monthly bonuses away. Man that was crazy shit! Do you still have Juliana’s number?? Cause I wrote it on my hand but spilled some of that Perrier-Jouet we was getting hammered on all over myself and it must have rubbed off. Help a brotha out, bro.

Anyways, you’ve earned it. Paid your dues. Done your time. Oh wait, no one was actually jailed for the manslaughter, EPA infringements, regulatory breaches and criminal neglect right? I guess its still an ongoing investigation, but I bet your boys are working ‘em deep, amirite? *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

I mean, how else did you get this great deal? As NRDC Senior Attorney David Pettit calls it a “$100 billion gamble”. For real though bro, let’s get it all cashed out in Sacagawea dollar coins and fill up an indoor swimming pool so we can do backstrokes Scrooge McDuck style!

Anyhow, glad to see ya back out in the ocean and as you say, “another milestone in our steady return to safely drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.” Cause seriously, dude, what’s safer than unsuccessfully drilling down in over 5000 feet of water? How about 6,034 feet of water! Amirite bro?? Piece of cake and that 3 billion barrels of hot, steamy crude will be so totez worth it. Those dolphins and sea turtles are just D-U-M-B! Why can’t they just swim around it? I mean, really, they got eyes and stuff. “Hey dolphin, look there’s a giant glob of oil, why not swim around it, duh.”

Oh and those poor people in the south probably had cancer from smoking and eating copious amount fry grease. Trying to blame sudden mysterious health problems on you is like super lame. Whatevs bro, I got your back.

Keep it real on the east side fool. Peace out, Kevvy Z

p.s. - Delta Tau Chi 4 life bro!!!!

Kevin Zelnio (886 Posts)





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